I miss you, Parker.

One month ago today, I lost a dear, dear friend, and this world lost one of the most amazing musicians I've ever heard. A young man with a love of music unlike anything I've ever seen, and a gift that allowed him to share that talent with all of us. He was mesmerizing on the stage. To say he had a 'presence' would be the ultimate understatement. He was truly magical.

I remember Ian when he was just a kid. In elementary school, he was a goofy boy with a contagious smile, always having the punch line ready - in response to anything. We played pee wee basketball together in mismatched orange jerseys. Ian was known for taking his time getting up and down the court, and only half paying attention to what was going on. He earned his nickname, 'Speed Limit' from the number '55' emblazoned on his chest. (it was certainly not for his speed...)

pee-wee basketball, circa 1993. (top row, from left: Coach Elaine Jacques, Tristan, Ryan, Kara, myself, Janessa, Coach Deb Eckart. bottom, from left: Ben, Becka, Ian (yes, the 2nd #55 on the team!), Eric, Jennifer.

 Ian was two grades behind me in school, but the memories I had of him are all so vivid. He was one of those people you just never forget. He did everything with gusto! He was very intelligent, but schoolwork was never a top priority. He was in it for the music. For his friends. He was talented beyond words and came by it naturally. (he had genetics on his side; A very talented drummer for a father, and a mother with a gorgeous voice - a winning combination) 

We spent a couple of great years together in high school. When I think back, and try to picture that time without Ian, it's just impossible. He was a part of my core friends group - a tightness and bond was formed with those friends that I've never again experienced in my life.

Ian and I played trombone alongside each other in concert band. He initiated my welcome to the brass section by telling me that if I “ever wanted to clear his spit valve” I was more than welcome to. I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair, and from that point on I knew we'd be just fine. I always enjoyed playing music, but - it took on a whole new meaning with Ian there alongside me.

I played in high school jazz band with him on lead guitar, and it felt like I was his rock-star sidekick. Just unbelievable. I remember his guitar solos. They were beyond words. I would sit there and become so enthralled in listening to him play that sometimes I missed my cue to come back in. I remember thinking how lucky we all were to be able to play with a musician like Ian. Ian was never frustrated with others...never pompous. He made everyone that played with him a better musician. Our own home-grown rock star from Washington County, Maine.

We acted in a few plays together, but the most memorable by far was, "The Strength of Our Spirit", written about the life of a young girl growing up in Nazi Germany during the Holocaust. Along with my cousin, Bryan, Ian and I were cast as Nazi soldiers. (honestly? Ian? a Nazi solider? with THAT goofball expression on his face?) Mr. Rensuma, a physics teacher who served in the military in his former life, spent time rehearsing 'marching skills' with us after school. I remember standing shoulder to shoulder with Ian, Mr. Rensuma shouting out marching orders, Bryan and I stiff as boards, and 'at attention' and then Ian - all flopsy lopsy, arms and legs swinging wildly like limp noodles. We'd turn one way, and he'd be backwards, upside down, sideways - and always with that priceless expression on his face. I remember saying to him, 'oh, Ian - you could never, ever be a Nazi....' at which point he broke out into a Nazi rap song, which stuck with us all through high school. It was certainly on the black humor side, but - after that play I never passed Ian in the hallway without him giving me a head nod, a HUGE smile, and him saying, "wassssup, Nazi brother?"

'Nazi brothers', from The Strength of Our Spirit, 1999. Bryan, Ian, myself

This past summer he played at my wedding. There was no other choice. (I'm pretty sure that if Ian hadn't been available on my wedding day, we would have had to move the date to accommodate him. Because, truly - he HAD to play at my wedding...) He came to play, and blew everyone away and made the day exactly what I wanted it to be. He asked, 'What should I play for your first dance?', and wildly, I answered, "OH, Ian! I hadn't even THOUGHT about it!"...and, without another thought he started playing 'My Girl'. Perfect.

Things I always loved about Ian:
Everytime I saw him, he always RAN up to me for a big hug, no matter how much time had passed.

He always made the most tense situations bearable - no matter what.

He had gorgeous eyes, and they always sparkled.

He shared himself with me and everyone around him selflessly, and completely.

He loved so, so deeply and with ALL of him, ALWAYS.

Nothing was taboo - and, he wasn't ever afraid to say anything. (BIG SMILE, pal)

He wrote this, (along with some other Ian-isms) in my senior yearbook: "please, never forget me - Ian Parker"
(Ian, I will never, EVER forget you. It's not possible, my friend.)

I truly, truly loved you Ian. I'm hurt, and angry, and devastated that you are gone, and I'm still in disbelief that we'll all go living in this world without you. It's not right, and it's not fair, and I'll never get over that completely. I'm  MAD that this stupid thing that took you from us was bigger than you were - because I truly thought there was nothing in this world that was bigger than you, and I was wrong. Foolishly, I was wrong.
I hurt from what you've left behind, from the loss of you, the emptiness, the void that you've left. I hurt from holding your mother's hand, and looking into her eyes and seeing a loss that is indescribable, a loss that she will carry for the rest of her life. GOD-DAMN IT, Parker. I want to punch you, and hug you, and laugh with you....somedays, all at the same time.

I'm going to miss you Parker, and on some days I'm going to be mad at you, but I'll always love you. xoxo.

Let's try this again...

I thought this blog thing would be a GREAT idea. The thing about it is, well - you have to do it. You have to take the time and write things down. (I'm slightly horrified that my last post was from Jan. 30th) A lot has happened in the last couple of months. I'm a busy person. I decided to try to keep this blog for a few different reasons. 1. I forget things. (a LOT) So, what better way to document all of the crazy things that happen to me? 2. My grandmother kept hand written journals once she hit grandmothering-age. They are the coolest thing ever. They remind me of all the things we did as kids, places we went, things we said.
So, I'm going to give this another shot. I'm going to try not to have outrageous expectations for 'posting' things every day, or every week, but maybe I can do a little better........so, here goes try #2....

I've got a couple of things to write about, and I'm going to use separate posts to do it.....stay tuned.